Minato vs Arashi, Wait WHAT!
by TigerInTheMoonlight
Summary: When canon-story Minato Namikaze and fan-named Arashi Kazama battle for the title of Yondaime, things are sure to get interesting...Some swearing.


**Disclaimer: I'm gonna shock the fanfiction world with this unexpected statement. Wait for it…I do not own Naruto. **_**I know right? **_**Weird.**

**Ok, this is a little random oneshot that I just had to write. The fan-named Yondaime Arashi and the real Yondaime Minato…Arashi's personality is slightly different since although they are really the same person 'Arashi' was created when less was known about the Yondaime's true personality so it's fair game =) Enjoy my illegitimate mind-child!**

Two figures were staring each other down in an alternate reality that could only be the author's mind. Both men were relatively tall and possessed wild blonde hair that spiked out defiantly to the world. They wore the same white cloak, rimmed with flames with the Kanji for 'Yondaime' on the backs. Now, while most would have thought them to be twins, that simply was not the case. No, it was much more complicated than that.

The man standing off to the right was Namikaze Minato, father of Kyuubi Jinchuriki Uzumaki Naruto, Husband of Uzumaki Kushina, and the former Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure. He looked wearily across the large white room to his double, who locked gazes with him, seemingly more hostile than Minato. This man went by the name of Kazama Arashi. Also former Yondaime Hokage of Konohagakure, debatable father of Uzumaki Naruto, wife unknown. This second man on the left had a distinct air of stiffness while his counterpart was more relaxed, but both held serious concerns with their current predicament. Their right to hold the title of 'Yondaime' was at stake. Let the games begin.

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The first event in 'The Yondaime Games' was surprisingly nothing more than an arm wrestle. Simple? …not exactly. Both opponents were permitted to use their chakra to increase strength, and intimidation techniques were flying around the small wooden table that had materialised for the purpose of this challenge. With a smirk, Arashi began the process of psyching out what he deemed to be his lesser clone.

"…Feeling the pressure _Namikaze?_" He sneered, despite his own arm shaking in effort.

"I'm…just getting started…Kazama-Teme" Minato ground out, unaware how much he sounded like his son at that moment.

Arashi, not one to take defeat in any way if possible, pushed all of his remaining chakra into his arm, effectively pushing Minato's arm down until it was just an inch off the table, before passing out from chakra exhaustion. Minato sweatdropped while some mysterious force marked a line down under his name on the newly introduced scoreboard.

Arashi | Minato

0 | I

Minato allowed a smug grin to overtake his face as he reminded his unconscious 'enemy' of the game's only indisputable rule; "First to five Arashi, first to five."

"Uggghh…" Arashi groaned, almost as if he had heard.

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**Task Two: Bitch-talking**. Why?...Just for fun.

"Your mother was so fat when she tripped she _created_ the Valley of the End!" Arashi exclaimed, noticing Minato's eye twitch.

"Well…_Your_ mother was so EVIL she threw you down it at birth!"…Nice save Minato.

"At least my mother didn't fuck a Labrador Blondie!" screamed Arashi.

"What…YOU'RE BLOND TOO BAKA!" Minato yelled in disbelief.

"…So?" Arashi didn't even blink.

"…Never mind…" Minato muttered, looking away. Then he swung his head back at a whiplash pace and shot out "You're so stupid you invited Kyuubi to Konoha for a tea party!"

"…You're just lame." This time it was Arashi who had to look away.

"WHAT WAS THAT? I AM NOT LAME YOU BAKA-TEME IMPOSTER!" screamed a red-faced Minato, fuming.

"…hmm? I'm sorry what?" Arashi turned back nonchalantly. '…_So that's where Kakashi got it...'_ thought Minato with a carefully hidden sweatdrop.

"Well anyway, can we just end this now? At least I'm actually a hero of Konoha, while you just stood by and let it get ass-raped while your kid was being born." Arashi accused. Minato spluttered, having no real reply to THAT, and in his desperation exclaimed;

"WELL YOU'RE SO UGLY YOU CAUSED KYUUBI TO ATTACK IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"…"

"…"

_**BRRRRR!**_

"What the hell was that?" Minato questioned, while Arashi was still in too much shock at this guy's idiocy…THEY WERE IDENTICAL! _How on earth did this Baka lead a Hidden Village? _Arashi just shook his head and looked around for the source of the incessant alarm bell.

"Arashi, I do you know wh-"

"BE SILENT NAMIKAZE MINATO."

"What? Who the hell is this?" Said Namikaze asked irritably.

"I AM THE ALMIGHTY LOUDSPEAKER-KAMI!"

"…The what?" Arashi was very sceptical.

"THE LOUDSPEAKER KAMI! LISTEN CLOSLY KAZAMA OR YOU SHALL FEEL MY WRATH!"

Minato snickered at his anti-self being scolded, receiving an icy glare in return.

"DON'T YOU TEST ME EITHER NAMIKAZE! IT' S BECAUSE OF YOU I HAVE HAD TO REVEAL MYSELF ALREADY BAKA! I WAS NAPPING!" growled the voice coming from an unseen speaker.

And it was then, in a rare moment of unity, that both our Yondaime Candidates sweatdropped.

"YOU, NAMIKAZE HAVE AN AUTOMATIC LOSS TO KAZAMA THIS ROUND."

"WHAT! No fair!"

"WHEN YOU ARE IN AN INSULT-DUEL TO INSULT YOUR SELF IS LIKE KICKING A GOAL INTO THE OTHER TEAMS NET IN SOCCER, ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT TO INSULT YOURSELF PROVES YOUR OWN INCOMPEDENCE! RENDERING ANY DEFENCES OR COUNTERS VOID. YOU LOSE!"

"BUT! He insulted me for being blond just before! That's the same thing!"

"AS I SAID EARLIER. I WAS ASLEEP. AND I CAN'T JUST TAKE YOUR WORD ON IT. SO DEAL WITH YOUR LOSS, AND DO NOT ARGUE WITH THE LOUDSPEAKER KAMI!" growled the fearsome…ugh, voice.

Minato pouted and slumped his shoulders in defeat.

"NOW, ON TO THE NEXT EVENT!"

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**Task Three: Battleships**

"….…"

"…."

"….D….3." Captain Awesome aka Namikaze guessed,

"…..miss." Stated Captain Cool aka Kazama. He then asked question of his own.

"…..B2?"

"….."

"…..." Minato looked away. Arashi let a grin stretch across his face. "…I sunk your battleship."

And so Captain Awesome was no more.

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**Task Four: Strip Poker**

Minato peeked over his hand of cards to see his adversary glaring at him heatedly.

"Now, now Arashi-chan, nothing to be shy about. We are the same after all." Minato said with eye-smiles happy enough to make Kakashi proud.

With a sigh, our noble and sacrificing Kazama removed his underwear. Now all he had was his white socks. Why he didn't remove them first, we'll never know. The Namikaze on the other hand still had his Konoha Hi-ate and Jounin regulation pants. Looking at his opponent, Minato froze before hiding behind his cards.

"…" Minato hid a grin, but not well enough.

"…_WHAT._" Growled the angry Arashi.

"…..I was wrong is all." Minato answered coyly. Arashi got a giant question mark over his head that didn't even need to be voiced. "…..We're not the same after all Ara-chan. I'm bigger. Tee hee hee" He glanced down suggestively.

A red-faced Arashi, whether it be from anger or embarrassment, ended the game right there by throwing down his cards and tipping the table in a very un-sportsman-like manner and leaving to sulk.

"….hm. So sensitive about his sock size? Tsk." Minato chuckled and flashed the victory sign to the Kazama's retreating form.

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**Task Five: See if you can guess…**

"LET GET READY TOOOO RASENGAN!"

Standing at opposite ends of the newly appeared fighting ring were our candidates, each in a ridiculous outfit. Minato was in a yellow Gai-and-Lee style spandex jumpsuit, which was even brighter than his hair. And that's BRIGHT. Now, usually Arashi would have laughed, if not for the fact that he was in the same thing, only with elbow-sleeves and it was red and orange.

"NOW FOLKS, IIIIN THE LEFT CORNER, WE HAVE A MAN WHO TOOK DOWN AN ARMY SINGLE HANDEDLY! A MAN WHO SEALED THE KYUUBI NO YOKO AND SAVED KONOHA, THE 'YELLOW FLASH' LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" The loudspeaker Kami screamed to…no one. Minato –erm, I mean the 'Yellow Flash' looked down in embarrassment.

"AAAND IN THE RIGHT CORNER, WE HAVE THE 'DEMON SEALER'! A MAN WHO…DID THE SAME STUFF! WHAT A MATCH THIS WILL BE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" The loudspeaker Kami told the…crowd? Arashi, also known as the 'Demon Sealer" grimaced at his lack of introduction but found it within himself to move on. He had a title to win after all.

"NOW, FIRE THOOOSE RASENGANS!"

Both spandex-clad men jumped forward and Rasengans met in a blinding explosion that sent both participates flying backwards. Unfortunately for Minato, he hit the over-turned wooden table and broke his tail bone. Damn that Kazama-Teme.

"You ok Mina-chan?" Arashi asked in a childish voice.

"Shut up."

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**Scoreboard**

Arashi | Minato

III | II

Arashi groaned in defeat at seeing the next event.

**Task Six: Strip Monopoly**.

Not even the title of Yondaime was worth going through that again.

"WHAT'S WRONG KAZAMA? TOO _SCARED_? The sadistic loudspeaker-Kami snickered.

"…..I forfeit." Arashi said, walking away.

Minato arrived back from the bathroom just in time to see his name get another mark, tying the opponents' scores.

"….What'd I miss?"

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The infamous table remained broken, so the look-alikes sat on the floor, staring each other down.

And staring.

…And staring.

…And still staring.

….STARE….

….

...

…SCARY STARE!...

"GOD DAMMIT NAMIKAZE! MY EYES!" Arashi wailed, rubbing his precious eyes, trying to get the spots to disappear.

….

….

"…YOU'RE STILL STARING!"

Arashi waved his hand in front of Minato's face. _He's…asleep?_ Arashi sweatdropped. He had lost to an unconscious person. Unbelievable.

**Task Seven: Staring Competition**…Complete.

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**Task Eight: Sake Drinking.**

"...*hic*..."

"Wha' z' zat Na'ika'e?"...Arashi was wasted.

"Heh...heh, y' FACE 'rashi!"...Minato was also wasted.

"AHH 'crew you 'mikaze." Arashi slurred, Sake bottle in hand as he fell to the floor.

"...*zzzzzzz*..."

"...Na'kaze?"...Nope, Minato was asleep. Again. Arashi followed his counterpart only moments later, effectively tying the match.

"...SUCH LIGHTWEIGHTS."

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**Scoreboard**

Arashi | Minato

III | IIII

**Task Nine:...Plan in progress. Please wait.**

Sweatdrops fell to the foor by the bucket loads as On-Hold music began to play through the still-invisible loudspeakers.

"….I feel like I'm in a giant elevator." muttered Arashi as he sat in one of the salvageable chairs from 'The Table Wreckage'.

"Agreed." Minato stated from where he sat cross-legged on the ground.

"…."

"…."

".…..."

"…..Ara-chan I'm _bored_."

"So? Think of something to do." intoned an equalled bored Arashi. But he'd never tell Namikaze that.

"…."

"…."

"….hmph." Minato pouted.

*FOURTY MINUTES LATER*

"….tweet."

Arashi looked at Minato in confusion.

"…..Tweet tweet tweet." Minato was rocking back and forth like a mad man. Arashi leaned away in alarm.

"Namikaze…Wh-"

"TWEET TWEET TWEET!" Screamed Minato, who then fell to the floor, laughing hysterically and rolling around. Now the Kazama was terrified. Give him Kyuubi on Acid over a bored-into-insanity Minato any day.

*ONE HOUR AND 27 MINUTES LATER*

Arashi was sitting in a corner, shaking horribly. The end was nigh, he tells you, NIGH! Hee... Hee hee-NO! HE WOULD NOT BECOME LIKE NAMIKAZE! Who was currently trying to touch his eyeballs with his tongue. But there are some things even ninjas cannot do. Hopefully. Arashi's thoughts were interrupted by a squeal, followed by a scream of "KAWAII!"

He looked up warily…Minato was hugging a fox kit. The poor thing's throat was being crushed by the Namikaze's cuddle, his nine tails waving frantically behind him.

….

….Wait,_ NINE TAILS?_

As Minato, who had begun to recover his sanity now that he had something to focus on…other than his eye…let the Chibi Kyuubi down, he didn't even register the tails, to busy staring into the little fox's puppy-eyes, totally in love. Screw Kushina, she was SCARY! **(AN: I love Kushina, don't get me wrong, I just had to haha…) **Now. Back to Minato, who was now murmuring nonsense.

"And I will call you Kawaii-chan, and you are so so little, yes you are, _yes you are!"_

Arashi decided to intervene. "Namikaze…"

" And I will train you, and you will be mine, you are my Kawaii-chan! Do you like fish?"

Ignoring his growling stomach at the mention of food, Arashi tried again. "Minato."

"I bet you do like fish! YES! Because you're a _foxy!_"

Eyebrows twitching, Arashi yelled "MINATO!"

"...And I will train you to attack Ara-chan for being a Teme!_ OH YES I WILL!_ I LOVE YOU!"

In desperation, Arashi called out the only thing he could think of. "KUSHINA'S COMING!"…The response was immediate.

"EEEP! HIDE KAWAII-CHAN BEFORE SHE EATS YOU!"

Well…at least he'd put it down.

Minato was still looking at 'his Kawaii-chan' with adoration, when a kunai pierced it's side, causing it to yelp and disappear in a puff of smoke.

Minato was in shock.

"…..YOU KILLED KAWAII-CHAN YOU EVIL TEME!"

Before Arashi could defend himself from the raging Namikaze, he was saved by the bell – or in this case the most brilliant, kind and amazing loudspeaker-Kami. And no, of course I'm not sucking up. Psht.

"ROUND NINE WINNER, KAZAMA ARASHI!"

It was then that the test's title was revealed.

**Task Nine:...The nine task.**

….Helpful. After explaining to a distraught Minato that no, he did not really kill a baby fox named Kawaii-chan, it was time to move on. Shaking his head rapidly as if it would remove the last task from his memory, Arashi was down hearted to realise that it would not. Minato looked at him suddenly.

"Where'd the kunai come from?"

"….My sock."

Aaand, cue sweatdrop.

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**Scoreboard**

Arashi | Minato

IIII | IIII

This was it. The last test, an epic end to this rather unusual tournament. And so it began.

**Task Ten: Who am I?**

"…Jiraiya-Sensei?" Minato tried.

"NO."

"….Kyuubi?" Arashi guessed.

"What the hell Ara-chan? Kyuubi?" Minato looked at him in disbelief.

"…Well…there was a fox…"

Minato looked away, tears gathering. "Yes…there was a…wonderful little fox."

"I AM NOT KYUUBI!"

"Kakashi?" Minato tilted his head to the side.

"….Sarutobi?" Arashi threw out there.

"NO, AND…SARUTOBI'S DEAD. SORRY."

"So? You could be Sarutobi's ghost." Stated the Kazama logically.

"Whoa, you're Sarutobi's ghost? Cool!" Minato was awestruck.

"I AM NOT SARUTOBI, NOR AM I A GHOST YOU PAIR OF BAKAS!"

Minato had a sudden thought. "…Are you Naruto?"

"YES!"

"YAY! I WIN!" screamed Minato.

"WELL, ACTUALLY I'M NOT. HAHA! I FOOLED YOU!"

Anime tears streamed down the depressed Namikaze's face and he walked away, while Arashi took another shot in the dark.

"Gamabunta?"

"NO"

"…Gamakichi?"

"NO."

"….Gamatatsu?"

"I AM NOT A TOAD!"

"…"

"…..."

"Gama-"

"NO!"

Minato re-joined the game. "Hey, have you tried Gamabunta yet?"

"THAT'S IT! I'M COMING OUT THERE! YOU AE GONNA EXPERIENCE THE WRATH OF THE LOUDSPEAKER KAMI!"

Silence.

Then, footsteps.

Finally a section if the wall opened to reveal….KONOHAMARU?

"YOU'RE the loudspeaker-Kami!" Screeched Minato.

"…Who the hell is this Gaki?" Arashi questioned…well, not the loudspeaker-Kami anymore, obviously, since he was there.

"HE IS MY LOYAL ASSISSTANT! KONOHAMARU, BRING THEM TO ME! AND A DOUBLE DECAF NOW!"

They followed the expressionless Konohamaru up some stairs, only stopping at a Mc Café on the third floor._ Do they even sell Decaf?_ Shrugging it off both blondes walked away from that strange store. Give them Ichiraku's any day.

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Konohamaru stopped in front of a large red door, and on that door was a large red knob, and for that knob, was a large red key, and attached to that key, was a long red band…you get the picture.

Balancing his Master's coffee his head, Konohamaru searched for that key, buried under his huge scarf. Finally finding it, he opened the door to reveal….Uchiha Itachi playing Scrabble. With…Konohamaru? To answer their question, the Konohamaru that escorted them poofed out of existence, the signature dispel for a Kage Bunshin.

"….…."

"….."

"….."

"…I make P-E-T-S." Trust a kid to break the silence.

At the thought of pets, Minato was once again engulfed in his memories of Kawaii-chan, what a brief and yet beautiful experience they had shared…Shaking himself out of it, Minato and Arashi gave Itachi a questioning stare.

Itachi sighed and simply said "The last time I didn't anonymously act insane I snapped and killed 99% of the Uchiha clan."

"….oohh…" The blondes said in unison, not sure what else to say to….that….Arashi regained his wits first.

"SO, who won?"

"Yeah! Who is THE YONDAIME HOKAGE?"

"Neither of you."

"….."

"….."

"….."

"WHAT!" Arashi was in shock.

"HUH?" Minato was just confused.

"Neither of you guessed who I was. Therefore, you both lose."

"I REMEMBER YOU AS A FOUR OR FIVE YEAR OLD!"

"YEAH, HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN ANYWAY? YOU'RE OLD AS!"

"….I am only twenty-one thank you very much Mr-I-Am-Not-Yondaime." Oh, great, now he was pissed. "And another thing, it's been sixteen years since the Kyuubi attack. You died. So who the Yondaime is really doesn't matter."

"…Died?" Minato asked, while Arashi stayed silent.

"Yes. Died. Dead. Finito. Bug food. Kicked the bucket. Gone. Bye-bye life." Itachi stated in his monotoned voice.

"….I don't know what half of those mean but no Aburame is going anywhere near me after this!" Now…Arashi was slightly nervous. Would they really…_eat_ him? They always had stayed to themselves…a little too much…

Minato just gave both of them a weird look. "So…all of that was for nothing then?"

"No." Itachi told them, drawing attention once more.

"….…"

"…."

"….I made H-A-T-S!" Exclaimed Konohamaru, who had been forgotten. Both former Yondaime Candidates fell to the floor. Itachi looked on impassively as they stood up again.

"….Well Uchiha?" Asked the Kazama impatiently. "What was it for then?" Now he also had Minato's full attention.

"….."

"….."

"….."

"…For my amusement of course."

….And cue face-palm, sweatdrop and face-faults simultaneously.

Damn Uchiha Teme.

**Aaand CUT! What was that you ask? I have no idea. =p**

**-TITM**


End file.
